Thought For The Day

First they came for the Communists,
but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists,
but I was neither, so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Jews,
but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out.
And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer
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Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Pamplona, Spain

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Speakers' Corner (TEFL section)

And why not stand on your virtual soapbox and let rip? This speech was posted on the Oscar Results 2008 section just below and worthy of a posting in its own right. As always, all comments are welcome.

"FOR OWNERS OF THESE SCHOOLS

Human dignity refers to a state of righteousness, integrity, or virtue in human beings. The term dignity is defined as "the state of being worthy of honour or respect." When this concept is associated with the adjective "human", it is used to signify that all human beings possess intrinsic worthiness and deserve unconditional respect, regardless of age, sex, health status, social or ethnic origin, political ideas, religion, or criminal history. If violated, this can be considered discrimination. In other words, this respect is owed to every individual by the mere fact that he or she is a "member of the human family" (Universal Declaration of Human Rights, 1948, Preamble). This intrinsic worthiness is widely recognized by international law as the source of all human rights. In this respect, both the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR) and the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights (ICESCR) of 1966 affirm that human rights “derive from the inherent dignity of the human being”. At the philosophical level, following Kant, the expression human dignity is used to indicate that persons should always be treated as ends in themselves and NEVER MERELY AS A MEANS. Kant presents “dignity” as exactly the opposite of “price”: while “price” is the kind of value for which there can be an equivalent (roughly economic value), “dignity” makes a person irreplaceable. Therefore, dignity can be explained as a requirement of non-instrumentalization of persons.



ITS TIME TO STOP THIS ESL/TEFL EXPLOITATION ONCE AND FOR ALL. THE JOB OF ENGLISH INSTRUCTOR DOESNT EQUATE TO SLAVE LABOR, NOR DOES IT GIVE YOU AS OWNER THE RIGHT TO TREAT INSTRUCTORS AS YOUR PROPERTY! "

Oscar Results 2008

The annual TEFL Blacklist Oscars were delayed owing to a late flurry of worthy (or should it be worthless) candidates. In truth your noble sleuth has been spoilt for choice this year. The TEFL Blacklist has attracted tales of woe galore.

The TEFL business is riddled with sharks. Be very careful when accepting a job and remember to read the contract carefully.

THE WINNERS

1. WORST JOB BOARD. The winner by a mile is TEFL.com. They are worse than Dave's ESL Cafe in that at least Dave Sperling does provide a forum and allow some debate. TEFL.com allow none. The list of crap jobs they  advertise is endless and they accept adverts from anyone.

2. WORST FRANCHISE. International House. Call it an affiliate if you will, it all amounts to the same thing - money. The Covent Garden flagship centre is good but after that who knows as standards differ so widely. As long as anyone can pay the affiliate fee then they are allowed to use the name with lip service being paid to quality. Abuse of what, used to be, a hallmark of quality.

3. WORST SCHOOL. A really tough one this. There were so many candidates. The winner is New Zealand Centre for Culture and Education in Gangnam, South Korea. This outfit should be avoided at all cost.

4. WORST TEFL COURSE PROVIDER. i to i. Rip off merchants making megabucks through selling worthless TEFL certificates. A disgraceful outfit whose "certificates" are total crap. If you want a decent TEFL certificate, make sure that it is at least Cambridge or Trinity certified. Avoid all online courses, correspondence courses, weekend courses etc. unless you only want to go to some rubbish school in the middle of nowhere.

5. SPECIAL MENTIONS. 

• British Institutes Rimini, Italy
  
• RFT Turkey
  
• Berlitz Moscow
  

Depravity in Education

Mass suspension of 'wild' pupils

The school charges A$16,000 a year in fees for final-year students

"The entire graduating class at an exclusive Australian boys school has been suspended over "unacceptable" end-of-term antics.

Up to 100 of 250 Year 12 students at Xavier College, Melbourne, allegedly took part in the "muck-up day" trouble.

They ran through the school wearing only their school ties as G-strings, and set off fireworks at a nearby railway station, media reports say.

Classes have been cancelled until Wednesday, the scheduled final day.

Vehicles 'damaged'

The trouble began at lunchtime on Monday - "muck-up day", an unofficial tradition of graduating students taking part in end-of-term pranks and other activities.

They were blind drunk and some of them could barely stand. My kids have been through muck-up day, but I've never seen anything like that Local resident

Police said they received numerous complaints relating to up to 100 students running rampage in the neighbourhood.

They were said to have harassed drivers and disrupted traffic, and there are also allegations that vehicles were damaged.

The students - aged 17 and 18 - are also accused of running semi-naked through the school grounds and setting off fireworks at the nearby Balaclava railway station.

One student was admitted to hospital with multiple fractures in his leg after a playground game reportedly got out of hand.

One neighbourhood resident wrote to The Age newspaper alleging the students were drunk and badly behaved.

"Their behaviour was disgraceful," the man said.

"They were blind drunk and some of them could barely stand. My kids have been through muck-up day, but I've never seen anything like that."

'Contravened boundaries'

In response the school has cancelled all classes until Wednesday, which would have been the final day of teaching.

Exams are due to begin at the end of the month for the Year 12 students, said to pay A$16,000 (US$11,000; £6,500) a year in fees to attend the Roman Catholic school.

In a statement, the school said the boys had "contravened the boundaries of sensible behaviour" while playing a game, and that the "unacceptable" conduct had forced it to cancel remaining classes.

It did not refer to the trouble off-campus, but police have threatened criminal charges against the pupils involved.

---

BBC website readers have been sending in their comments:

What ever happened to a good wallop across the head! That's what these boys are lacking! When I went to Catholic School (graduate of 1995) we were taught respect, and were disciplined accordingly if having stepped out of line. The problem is these little rich kids have never learnt respect for others, never learnt how to take responsibility for their actions and certainly have no idea on social etiquette. Bring back the cane! :-)
Cleve Rynehart, Melbourne, Australia

I attended and enjoyed what seems to be a similar academic boys school in Canada. We also had an unofficial "muck-up day" called "grub day" and the tradition ended in much the same way: behaviour and stunts taken too far so it was cancelled.

The consensus at the time was that an unsustainable, escalating pattern of one-upmanship, whereby each graduating class felt a need to make things more extreme and wilder than the previous year, was the problem. Clever became vulgar, and fun became outrageous.
Jim Fuite, Edmonton, Canada

Glad to see not much has changed since my departure from Xavier in 1968. Now, if only the Jesuits would bring back the 15-inch strap (with the two inlaid Aussie pennies at one end), all would be right with life. Well done boys . . . you've made some of us old timers proud.
Timothy Lynch, Los Angeles, CA USA

As a Xavier alumni, it is disappointing to hear that the actions of a minority of students taking things too far have tarnished the reputation of a great educational institution. If indeed these allegations are true then they should be disciplined. However, how did the residents know they were all Xavier students? At my muck-up day, everyone (including students from other private schools in Kew, of which there are many) took off their ties and blazers, so it would have been very difficult for onlookers to distinguish which school the students belonged to. I think it might be another case of the media reporting everything it hears without actually checking the facts.
Peter C, London

It's almost like a tradition in all boarding school facilities for final year and graduating students to do something really wild and crazy before leaving school. We did it during my time by boycotting almost all regular school activities and had to sign an undertaking to be of good behaviour in the process. It's part of growing up...
Israel Ambe Ayongwa, Jonkoping, Sweden

It was disgusting, these young lads were urinating in my fish pond,and kicking over my gnomes. I have never seen anything like it, I have lived here for 28 years, and my gnomes have never been attacked like this before.
Sheila Outrigger, Melbourne

They beheaded five of my gnomes and knocked over my brand-new bird bath. It's a disgrace, they have no respect for others and I blame, as always, the parents.
Lucinda R, Melbourne"

Courtesy of the BBC.......

Help The Aged

Retired teachers have problems you haven't even considered yet.

An 85-year-old retired EFL teacher was requested by his doctor for a sperm count 
as part of his physical examination. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and 
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man replied, 'Well, doctor, let me explain.......

• First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
• Then I had another go 
with my left hand, but still nothing. 


• Then I begged my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with 
her left...... still nothing.
• She then went for it with her mouth, first with the teeth in, 
then with her teeth out......still nothing.
• 

We even asked Kirsty, our next door neighbour and she joined in too, first 
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it 
between her knees, but still nothing.



The doctor was shocked! '

You asked your neighbour?

The old man sighed.......


Yes, none of us could get the jar open.

Where Has The Inspector Gone?

"Goodness gracious. Not a post in ages. What on earth has happened to the old fart?"

I'm sure there has been the odd muttering that either I've copped a sniper's bullet from The House of Windsor or have simply been shagging myself senseless with the lovely Rosita in Pamplona at night, whilst puffing gently on a nice Cuban cigar with a glass of the finest Highland single malt after a nice siesta in the afternoon.

In truth postings arrive on the different threads that most of you probably aren't even aware of, so The Blacklist has seen a steady trickle of information and misinformation, especially from old Bruce at TEFL International, and since the demise of Sandy your beloved sleuth has been even more acutely aware that real information about the TEFL business is in short supply.

So I've taken time out to reflect on the future of the blog.

Oh and it's about time the Oscar winners for 2008 were announced.

_________________________________________________________
Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Pamplona, Spain

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Marriage - A little Levity

(dedicated to Lady Florence McHammered)

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful”
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way.
Classic “pump and dump.”
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

Courtesy of Craig's List

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Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Pamplona, Spain

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The Inspector Flees to Spain

Yes dear readers. Twas a narrow escape down the fire escape in fact, trousers down by the ankles with Lady McHammered hot on my heels. That's definitely the last time I try the missionary position. I've cricked the old back which should cool the love life a tad. Pity to have had to head for the "ausfahrt" so suddenly without so much as an "auf wiedersehen" to the gorgeous Ingrid, as a good time was being had by all concerned, at least until that old strumpet, Lady McHammered, burst into the hotel room with a horse whip. She had me fingered, so to speak, and clearly I needed to put as much distance as possible between the old battleaxe's whip and my buttocks.
Anyway as there's a fair amount of bulls**t around in the TEFL world I felt a strong pull towards Spain. Definitely loads of bull down there I muttered to myself as I boarded the night train, so I've now found a discrete hotel in a back street of Pamplona and will be reporting to you all about the state of TEFL in España once I've settled the old nerves with a strong tot of fermented yak's milk (on the rocks).

_________________________________________________________

Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Pamplona, Spain

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A Contract Killing?

"The report of my death was an exaggeration."

Mark Twain

Rest assured your intrepid inspector is still alive and kicking and much refreshed after a nice holiday in Tibet.

______________________________________________________________

Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret, Switzerland

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IQ Test

As most people reading this will be teachers, the Inspector though it would be a good idea to give you all an IQ test so that you can boast to your students how clever you are. As professionals dedicated to educating the great unwashed masses you should naturally score full marks - shouldn't you?


Well here goes......... oh and no cheating!

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have
to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all
of them immediately. OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)



First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second
person. What position are you in?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you
take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question,
OK ?



Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you
are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?



You're not very good at this, are you?







Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head
only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add
10. What is the total?



Scroll down for answer.....





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is
definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last
question right... Maybe.



Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4.
Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair
of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.

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Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret, Switzerland

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Around The World (TEFL) in Eighty Days

The Inspector flees to Spain
The Inspector is Exposed
The Inspector is in Cloud Cuckoo Land
The Inspector Reaches Italy's Private Parts
The Inspector Finally Departs
Around The World in Eighty Days


Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret, Switzerland
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The McDonald's Libel Case.

This is in response to the numerous requests I get to pick up the phone, e-mail, write, send a pigeon or whatever to blacklisted schools. Well it's not exactly an even playing field out there and I've better things to do than fight some corporate monster, armed with a huge legal war chest to bully and threaten anyone who dares speak out against them.

The case below was described as David versus Goliath and was considered a PR disaster for the corporation concerned, as the judge decided that McDonald's had "pretended to a positive nutritional benefit which their food did not match"; had exploited children in its advertising, and paid low wages, "helping to depress wages in the catering trade".

McDonald's spent over £10 million for nothing in their petty battle against two penniless people. Yes that's right, £10 million just for the pleasure of shooting themselves in the foot!

Some of the people, who send The Inspector abusive messages would do well to listen to the wisdom of Voltaire who said:

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

If anything written here can be shown, beyond reasonable doubt, to be false it will be removed, as has already been shown on a number of occasions.

_________________________________________________________________

McLibel: Longest case in English history

Steel and Morris on Tuesday -
15 years after being served a libel writ by McDonald's

The European court ruling that two activists should have been allowed legal aid in their libel battle with McDonald's is just the latest of many twists in the longest case in English legal history.

The case goes back to the mid 1980s and a public campaign attacking aspects of the fast food industry.

In 1986 the London Greenpeace group - separate from the international Greenpeace movement and including Helen Steel and David Morris - produced leaflets attacking McDonald's.

The leaflet, called 'What's wrong with McDonalds - everything they don't want you to know', did not hold back.

Among other things, it accused the corporation of encouraging litter, mistreating animals and workers and destroying rain forests.

In 1990 McDonald's served libel writs on five volunteers in the group, beginning a battle often compared to that of David - and Helen - against Goliath.

The inequality of arms could not have been greater European Court of Human Rights, commenting on the difference in resources between McDonald's and the activists

It demanded that they retract the claims in it and apologise - or go to court and prove that all the allegations were true.

At the time, McDonald's economic power outstripped that of many small countries, with worldwide sales of about $30bn in 1995.

Three of the activists decided that, with no legal aid, they could not fight the massive corporation. They backed down and apologised.

But two - Ms Steel, 39, and Mr Morris, 50, both from Tottenham, north London - refused to do so.

Ms Steele was a part-time bar-worker earning a maximum of £65 a week, and Mr Morris was an unemployed postman who was responsible for the day-to-day care of his son, then aged four.

The inequality of arms, as the European court noted, "could not have been greater".

'£10m legal bill'

As they had no legal aid and not much money of their own, Ms Steel and Mr Morris had to fight the case with only occasional unpaid help from lawyers - mounting their own defence and own representation.

McDonald's, on the other hand, was represented by leading and junior counsel, experienced in libel law, and by one or two solicitors and other assistants. The corporation's legal bills were estimated at £10m.

Steel and Morris raised an estimated £40,000 from public donations to pay for witness airfares, court costs, expenses and so on.

Transcripts of the trial ran to about 20,000 pages and about 130 witnesses gave oral evidence
In 1991 they made their first attempt to demand legal aid in the European Court of Human Rights. But the court ruled that, as the defendants had already put up a "tenacious defence", they could not say they were being denied access to justice.

Further legal wrangling took another three years, and on 28 June 1994 the full libel trial finally started in the High Court in London.

Transcripts of the trial ran to approximately 20,000 pages; there were about 40,000 pages of documentary evidence.

Some 130 witnesses gave oral evidence - 59 for the defendants, 71 for McDonald's. Ms Steel gave evidence in person but Mr Morris chose not to.

On 13 March 1995 McLibel became the longest ever British libel trial.


David Morris and Helen Steel outside court in 1997

On 11 December 1995 it became the longest civil case (as opposed to criminal) in British history.

On 1 November 1996, it became the longest trial of any kind in English history.

Damages ordered

And it wasn't until 19 June 1997 that the judge, Mr Justice Bell, delivered his 762 page judgment. The judge rejected claims that McDonald's was to blame for starvation in the Third World or had used lethal poisons to destroy vast areas of Central American rainforest.

But he also decided, in what was seen as a PR disaster for the corporation, that McDonald's had "pretended to a positive nutritional benefit which their food did not match"; had exploited children in its advertising, and paid low wages, "helping to depress wages in the catering trade".

McDonald's

McDonald's says both it and the world have moved on since the case
He ordered Mr Morris and Ms Steel to pay £60,000 damages, reduced later on appeal to £40,000.

McDonald's has not sought to collect this money, and the two have vowed not to pay.

But the case did not end there. Two months after the verdict, Ms Steel and Mr Morris lodged an appeal.

This ran from January to March 1999 - and it didn't end there either. In July 1999 they pair asked the House of Lords for leave to appeal further - which was rejected.

So in September 2004 they launched an action against the UK Government at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, this time saying the lack of access to legal aid breached their rights to a fair trial as guaranteed under article 6 of the Human Rights Convention.

Law already changed

On Tuesday, the court agreed. The British government has three months to appeal the decision.

But it is possible the UK libel laws may have to change.

The government says it is considering the judgment, but recent changes in the law mean that legal aid is now sometimes available in exceptional cases.

McDonald's made little comment, except to point out that the allegations made by Steel and Morris related to practices in the 1980s.

Source: The BBC
_______________________________________________________________

Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret, Switzerland

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Rotten Tomatoes and Passion Fruit

The Inspector has added a lot of new fangled whistles and bells to the blog. The videos for example are all randomly displayed based on keywords, so a school on the TEFL Blacklist might unwittingly find its promotional crap being displayed here. International House's Madrid video has been displayed - whoopee!, "Schools" previously unknown to The Inspector have unexpectedly popped up onto his screen. For example, an outfit called "I to I" has already been spotted where some smarmy git drones on about their 20 hour distance course (wonderful only for their cash flow of course not that he admits it). Rest assured readers that "I to I" (pronounced eye to eye) will feature on the TEFL blacklist very soon. Consider the videos an eclectic collection such as a coconut shy or a rotten tomato section or even surprisingly a gallery of wonder. Please do not assume that everything is endorsed by The Inspector who on the contrary considers this new feature as a kind of TEFL spider's web.

Each day will bring someting different that The Inspector either wants to take the p*ss out of or finds moving.

The theme for the moment is the singer Eva Cassidy. A truly incredible loss to the world. Hardened as he might be by the recent onslaught from Lady Florence McHammered, There are only two sounds that will cause the Inspector to burst into tears: George Bush and Eva Cassidy!

The news section has been put up on a trial basis. Cactus TEFL has been spotted so yet another opportunity for throwing rotten tomatoes. The type of news displayed will depend on The Inspector's mood at the time (usually irreverent). At the moment of writing the news features Switzerland, where the Inspector is currently staying whilst on his eighty day journey around the world.

Send any feedback to the "nomination" page.

The Inspector will review the changes on a regular basis so do let rip if you feel like it.

There is also a links section which has been provisionally added. You might get a chuckle or two out of them. Who knows the Inspector might even add the odd worthwhile link.

Enjoy...................

Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret, Switzerland

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Swiss Spaghetti

Watch this movie. It seems that Switzerland has struck lucky once more. The annual spaghetti crop has proved to be a bumper one. This is the biggest one for over fifty years!

Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret, Switzerland

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Euro Speak

You may have well seen this before but if you haven't enjoy..............




The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....

Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret, Switzerland

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The Masochism Tango

I've had a couple of people asking about The Masochism Tango.
Just click here to hear it, in all its glory.

Dedicated naturally to Tzuriel Refael.

Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret, Switzerland

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An Ambassador is Recalled

Absolutely nothing to do with TEFL but I was so amused by this article on the BBC website I just had to post it here, as it's priceless. For all you politically correct lot out there The Inspector would like to state categorically that he is not having a dig at:

• Israel
• El Salvador
• Bondage (definitely not)
• Politicians
• Rubber Balls
• Cucumbers
  

I think that just about covers the lot so read on and let this be a lesson to you all.....................

Israel recalls 'naked ambassador'

Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found drunk and naked apart from bondage gear.

Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth.
A foreign ministry official described Ambassador Tzuriel Refael's behaviour as an unprecedented embarrassment.
The incident, which happened two weeks ago, has renewed calls for a radical overhaul of the way Israel appoints and promotes its diplomats.
San Salvador was Mr Refael's first post as ambassador. He was promoted in 2006 from a technical position in the ministry which had involved several foreign postings.
He was being recalled, although he had not broken any laws, foreign ministry spokeswoman Zehavit Ben-Hillel told reporters.
She confirmed that lurid reports of the incident in the Israeli press were accurate.
"We're talking about behaviour that is unbecoming of a diplomat," she said.
Israel has been rocked by a recent series of misconduct and corruption scandals, shaking public confidence in the political leadership.
Haaretz website reports that police found Mr Refael in the Israeli embassy compound where he had been found bound, gagged and naked apart from sado-masochistic sex accessories.

With a bit of luck this might be common practice over there. The Inspector can think of a few language school owners who might enjoy a trip to the sun although there is always the risk that if their wives call they might have to say that they can't come to the phone as they're tied up.

Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret, Switzerland

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The Inspector is Exposed

Rum times and all that. Those of you who guessed that The Inspector's motives were not, eehrm shall we say all that they seemed, will be snorting tonight over a pint or two of fermented yak's milk (yes that wonderful drink is catching on)!
The real truth is that ever since Lady Florence McHammered divorced me, I've been pursued relentlessly from place to place. Luckily my good colleagues at Scotland Lard are shielding me as best they can from bailiffs and the like but the old bat screwed me for every last bean in court and I'm damned if I'll just hand it all over to her, well it's not reasonable. After all's said and done, who laundered the bloody stuff? So an 80 day around the world TEFL trip seemed the ideal solution to escape from her greedy clutches.
I got out of Italy by the skin of my teeth. She arrived in Cognito only a couple of hours after I'd left and now it seems the old cow's on her way to Val Ferret! I'm going to have to make a break for it under cover of darkness.
I'll disguise my appearance and just disappear for a while, naturally after covering my (yak) tracks so to speak. I've hired a car but God help me if she gets anywhere near it as she's quite likely to do something to the brakes and after the demise of the yak, I now realise that it's a long way down (as the Bishop said to the Actress, but I digress). I'm nearly done with Switzerland, to be honest, and just to let you know, in the strictest confidence, the Swiss don't appreciate the old Inspector's humour. Unexpected breaking of wind, the odd burp, saucy jokes....no joy, not even a brief flicker of a smile from the locals, even my fruity exploits in The Banana Club in Amsterdam were about as popular as a fart in a crowded lift.
Switzerland is definitely not a bundle of laughs! Plenty of mountains, nice fondue, loads of gnomes, but not a joke in sight! Definitely Rum times! Now that I think of it, I'm just about ready for a swift tot of Jamaican best!
Before I go though I'll be entering the Dragon's Lair very soon.
Yes dear readers, Inlingua have their HQ in Bern, which apparently means Bear (as in hug). Whether I can bear it though is another matter. Hopefully I'll emerge in one piece from the notorious Inlingua Dungeon and (after debriefing) be able to report back to all ye TEFL troops at the various frontlines around the world and having prised open the doors to the Inlingua Fortress, God willing, will be able to fill you in on the Inlingua "way".
With a bit of luck Lady Florence won't be around. The old tart has a numbered Swiss bank account and might just try to kill two birds with one stone. Nail The Inspector and make a quick deposit. Anyway mum's the word. It'll be a hush hush operation behind enemy lines.



Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret, Switzerland

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The Inspector is in Cloud Cuckoo Land

After The Inspector had to push yet another plate of pasta down his throat he protested by pushing off over the Alps to Switzerland. Eighty days is a long time to be on a yak and with boils on his bum he was cursing everything in sight by the time he finally made it over The Saint Bernard Pass. After a much needed stop for the obligatory slug of brandy he pressed bravely on into the land of the Cuckoo Clock.

Italy, in The Inspector's considered opinion, is full of mad macho testosterone fuelled male maniacs (totally wasted on the beautiful women) and the whole population could do with a collective madness-immunisation course for their own self-protection, of say valium or some other suitably strong sedative.

So what TEFL rogues lurk in cuckoo country?


The Swiss are notoriously secretive so a ferret or two might be have to be let loose, so to speak, up the odd trouser leg of some unsuspecting Swiss language school owner.


Click here for the soundtrack.

Inspector McHammered of the Lard in Val Ferret (yes it exists) Switzerland

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The Oscar Results 2007

No shortage of nominations but for which category?
In no particular order of importance the following questions raise their ugly heads.
1. Smith is clearly a shyster of the first order but to whom? The most useless worthless franchises seems to be the appropriate category.
2. What to do about Wall Street Institute? Not nice people - sure - but as bad as some of the breathtakingly bad Chinese schools? No they can't be that bad, because they have to obey French labour law or face the guillotine. In China complain and you'll find you'll be shot at dawn and your body parts flogged on the open market by midday ready for a lucrative transplant.
3. Worst DOS? No nominations. Why? I suspect that a bad school and a bad DOS often go hand in hand. This however doesn't seem to apply to slimy Shane where there is clearly the odd good DOS amongst the many megalomaniac inefficient crap ones.
4. Worst building? Clearly there are loads of candidates for that in China but building regulations elsewhere are designed to stop your classroom literally falling down around you.
5. What about the shafted students? There should be a nomination for the poor sods who have lost money on fly by night "schools".

Let's get back to basics with revised categories.
OVERALL OSCAR WINNER WORST SCHOOL 2007
ASTA Kids Club in Incheon, Korea. This dump epitomises all that is bad in TEFL. Not the biggest rubbish TEFL tip but clearly a horrid place in which to work.
WORST OWNER
A close call, but Shane has to win because of the sheer number of teachers ripped off either through Shane schools or through the totally crap Saxoncourt Recruitment.
WORST DOS
ASTA Kids Club in Incheon, Korea wins a second award. An endless supply of creepy crawleys for your nightmares.
WORST PAID
Considering that England is so expensive - "East London School of English" wins by a cucumber. Salaries elsewhere in the world are lower but try living in London on what they pay you!
WORST LOCATION
China. Can be good if you're lucky but may God have mercy on you if you get it wrong!
WORST FRANCHISE (for people daft enough to buy one)
Smith's School of English, Japan. Shame on International House London as well and worthy of a special mention.
WORST JOB BULLETIN BOARD
TEFL.com. No attempt at all to inform the unsuspecting teacher of crap outfits. At least Saint Dave Sperling has a forum (albeit heavily neutered).
WORST TEFL COURSE PROVIDER
A no brainer. The odious prat Paul Lowe of Windsor TEFL Courses should be erased from the TEFL map and if a certain Wally Windsor gets his way he will receive the global publicity he deserves.
WORST SHYSTERS FOR STUDENTS
Wall Street Institute for being bankruptcy bandits.

As you have probably gathered The Inspector is not in a good mood. Just thinking about some of these "schools" brings out boils on his bum and he can't sit down.



Inspector McHammered of the Lard
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